#MyHealthJourney| False Acceptance & Denial

This will probably be the quickest blog post I will ever write up. But I think that also adds more importance to why the story must be told. I’ve been living a lie and I’ll be writing this post to explain it. My hope is that by doing so, others will know that it’s okay. A couple weeks ago, I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune Disease. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized that what I thought was acceptance was actually false. I had created this bubble of denial around myself.

#MyHealthJourney| False Acceptance & Denial

False Acceptance & Denial

I have this really bad habit of telling people that I’m okay even when I’m not. When we got the Autoimmune Hepatitis diagnosis a couple weeks ago, there was a rush of questions from family and friends. And almost immediately, I put on my “I’m okay, don’t worry about me” hat. The crazy thing is, it’s not even a defense mechanism. Everyone is struggling with something so I would rather not be the bearer of bad news by telling you what’s going on with me. I’m just being honest, but this is also where I made my mistake.

I started to live in this role all the time. And it got to the point that I psyched myself into believing it. I completely bypassed the stages of acceptance and denial. I went straight to ignorance. People would ask me if I looked up information about my condition. No. Do I know what foods I should be eating? No. What do I know about Autoimmune Hepatitis? Not much.

Reality Smacked Me In The Face

I had an appointment with my Pulmonologist yesterday, I never went. He’s supposed to give me the results of my latest heart monitor and may be referring me to a Cardiologist. During the night, it finally hit me that I wasn’t ready to receive more bad news. I needed to accept the news that I had received previously before I could move forward.

Health & The mE Project

I put this post in the Categories, #MyHealthJourney, and the mE Project. That was done for a reason. I added in the mE Project because I want to get back to writing post for motivation, encouragement, and energy. Today I shared something personal, not only for encouragement but to help anyone who may be going through the same thing.

In so many words, I want to say it’s okay to be selfish. Not in every man for himself kind of way, but putting yourself first when it matters. In my case, I should have taken the time to meditate on the matter to understand what’s happening to me. I did not do that. But you don’t have to make the same mistakes that I did. You don’t need False Acceptance & Denial.

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  • Reply Christine (@Chrissy4sfsn)

    Very well put! I’ve had things that are hard to accept too and I love the reminder to take the time to come to terms with everything. Thanks!

    March 15, 2018 at 12:27 PM
    • Reply PAE

      Thank you so much for reading. One of my goals for the year was to be more honest with myself and I realized that I wasn’t really doing such a great job with that recently.

      March 15, 2018 at 9:26 PM
  • Reply sgmart187

    It can be so hard to accept bad news, and lots of challenges. It takes time to accept big changes in your life, especially health related! I know that you will accept things and come to terms with the changes you need to make. I’ve had to do that with mental health issues, and it was hard and took time to really accept that I was no longer going to be able to handle the things the same way again. But as you learn more, and figure our what changes you need to make, it may get harder for a while. I won’t lie to you about that, there may be a rough road to adjusting and changing ahead, it took me over a year. But after that, when you find the right support base and learn what you need to learn and change, it does get better.
    Being honest about the way you feel will do a lot to help make progress, that was where I struggled.

    March 15, 2018 at 3:53 PM
    • Reply PAE

      I think lying to myself set me back a bit. Honesty is one of those qualities that I pride myself on but I hadn’t been applying it to myself. I think you’re absolutely right though, this will take time. I just want to make sure I don’t rush the process. Thank you for sharing your story.

      March 15, 2018 at 9:30 PM
  • Reply Justine Y @ Little Dove

    Sorry you’re going through this! I think that it’s pretty normal for people to just brush off their own problems when asked, but it’s important that we be open and honest about how we’re doing!

    March 15, 2018 at 5:56 PM
    • Reply PAE

      You’re so right! And it’s something that I want to start working on for the foreseeable future.

      March 15, 2018 at 9:31 PM
  • Reply Courtney Stewart

    Thank you so much for sharing, I needed to hear this. It can be so easy to lie to yourself and say you are okay. I tend to struggle with this and your post has definately given me the boost of encouragement I needed to have a second to be more honest with myself.


    March 16, 2018 at 4:25 PM
    • Reply PAE

      I’m so happy to hear this. Sometimes I have moments before I post things like this. I’ll hesitate and question if it will help others or if people will enjoy it. This means a lot to me.

      March 16, 2018 at 10:00 PM
  • Reply Disaster Davis (@Disaster_Davis)

    I’m really glad that you’ve since taken the time to reflect on this and work some things out in your head, and I’m so proud of you as a person for owning up to how you really feel and to share your honest feelings and emotions, that’s such a hard thing to do. I’m sure there’s many others reading this post now who will agree with me, too. Putting yourself first definitely isn’t a bad thing, yet is often so hard to do, you do what you gotta do, lovely, and take care! 🙂

    March 16, 2018 at 7:41 PM
    • Reply PAE

      I appreciate this so much, thank you. 🧡🧡🧡

      March 16, 2018 at 10:01 PM
  • Reply writerkatgn

    This is so well written! Taking time for oneself to really find the root of the problem is essential. I struggled with not truly accepting my illnesses and because of that not accepting myself for such a long time. It’s a wrestling that innately requires time to oneself and gentleness. It’s not selfishness, even if it might feel so. Wonderful post!

    March 18, 2018 at 12:57 PM
    • Reply PAE

      I’m so happy that so many people understand where I’m coming from. You just summed up exactly what I’m going through at the moment. I feel like each day the truth of the matter sinks a little deeper inside of me. I guess I’m just waiting for the day that it will take root.

      March 18, 2018 at 2:24 PM
  • Reply simplyshaiz

    Very well said. Please continue to share this journey to give your readers the opportunity to support you. You can send me a message anytime.

    March 18, 2018 at 10:50 PM
    • Reply PAE

      I will, thanks 😊

      March 19, 2018 at 1:12 PM
  • Reply Tamiko Parks

    Hi you have a greate site Thank you for sharing with us nice

    April 14, 2018 at 4:16 PM
  • Reply Hiro

    Hey. It’s really overwhelming. All so very overwhelming.
    And sometimes, you want to just shut down, cover your ears, curl up under the covers, and try to just sleep and shut everything out. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. Rant and rave all you need. Find a trusted person who can help you through the journey.

    But in the end, once you let the steam out and you’ve allowed yourself to calm down, you’ll be better equipped to take it all in and find the next step. I’ve lived through what you are living through, multiple times. The first time was when I was diagnosed with a rare vascular disorder in my brain that required brain surgery to remove (I was 22). Next time was when I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder (rheumatoid arthritis) last summer (I was 28 then).

    It’s really hard, and you might go into “why me?” But yes: it’s so important to be “selfish” and think about you, and what will help you go on. I’ve found that learning more about my conditions both helps to calm me down, and allows me to then become an advocate for myself and other survivors. I’ve been able to turn my experiences into stories and ways to help others going through what I’m going through by creating support organizations and resources.

    It’s a really scary time for you right now, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that when I am sad, when I am angry, when I want to cry, when I want to scream…. I should. Don’t try to pent up your emotions and try to bottle them in. You aren’t “weak” or “losing” or any of that mess for having emotional outbursts. It’s so much worse when you create a dam and pretend there’s nothing “inside” going on and that everything is ok. It’s better to have tiny explosions here and there so that you can keep on going.

    Good luck, and please please feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to chat with. I’ve been living through this medical chaos world for the past few decades, and I can empathize with what you’re going through now.

    Best wishes, and hope you’ll find ways for self care that works for you in this hard time 🙂

    Hiro | http://twistedpaths.org

    April 17, 2018 at 8:38 PM
    • Reply PAE

      Thank you so much for your kindness. It truly means a lot to me. I understand what you mean about taking time to focus on yourself. I had to do that. At first, I only meant to go on a hiatus for a few days, but now it has turned more into a few weeks. But I realized in doing so, I have been taking the time to learn more about myself. I’ve been doing research and making some changes in my life.

      April 17, 2018 at 9:18 PM
  • Reply Arthur Thyberg

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    April 21, 2018 at 1:15 PM
  • Reply Yvonne

    Good blog you have here.. It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours these days.
    I really appreciate people like you! Take care!!

    June 30, 2018 at 8:44 PM
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